It's crazy how we spend soo much time...looking and asking..and searching for the perfect relationship but does that really exist? well..in my world of HIV...it's like finding the secret brick that will make the wall collapse if you hit it just right...well anyway..in my quest for Mr big...it has a mixture of someone who would like to have a family some day..and someone who is kinda on the same lines and page as me..not just the same book...why is it soo crazy..to find one man...some man...a piece of man..that wants children and a family...when i get the men..they are just out of a crazy ass relationship, divorced, or the best one..bitter and don't even know if they can "LOVE" again or "TRUST"..classic..soo not only do I need a leather couch and Valium in my house...but a full out counselor for them when they walk through the door..i just don't understand...is it something that i am giving off? is it something that i am saying? i told one person..maybe it's because when i meet people i put all my cards on the table..and i should be hiding them instead..
i have been dating extensively from since around pride month here...like June...up until now...and things have been awesome..and great...and this man..has been there for me on every hand..every turn as well...but i don't believe he is ready to be in a relationship...dating yes...but not in a relationship...for purposes of not putting my people on blast..let's just say there was something that this particular person...couldn't part with...and no matter how i stacked and diced all the scenarios in my mind..it still didn't look good to me...and for me...i have to protect myself and what i really want...and i shouldn't say protect myself like we are at all out war..but i know what i eventually want..and i don't see myself engaging in something and in the long run..i have to compromise on things that i want...it's crazy..because in my world...the biggest thing is telling people my status..and it seems that now more over..i have to battle with career (me being a workaholic), community (i love to volunteer and be active), and social (i love being out and about and playing sports)...and i don't know if he is out there..i am 32 and starting to realize that maybe this guy is me...and this person..that i believe is there...doesn't really exist...or maybe he does..and i've overlooked him...soo should something as small as a piece of jewelery get in my way of loving and being loved..and just being...i don't know..but how will the transition from that one to ours be? when will you have time to breathe...don't know...anyway....this is confusing....
Jack & Coke Please