Trista Rhodes

I've lived in this body for 39 years, and done a lot of stuff. The past four years I've lived with AIDS but I couldn't except it. And what I mean is I could except HIV but couldn't except AIDS. A few months ago I finally excepted the fact that I have AIDS.

It's weird and sad cause I was stigmatizing against myself. I thought I was more tolerable to people if I only had HIV.  I was to ashamed to tell and admit it to myself.  I could say I have HIV but I couldn't except me having AIDS. So I never shared that. To me having AIDS was the fuck up of all fuck ups. I was laying in my hospital bed back then thinking, damn when I do it I do it big, this mess.

I lost my soul mate 20 days ago, he was HIV positive as well. Being that we lived in different states, and I didn't make it to him before he passed. Me and my son was scheduled to leave Tennessee on the 15th of this month and he passed on the 7th. I wasn't aware of how sick he really was. In the end he had Tuberculous, a severe infection in his lungs and I'm sure a few other things was going on with him that I wasn't aware of. I love him so much, I didn't know all the details but I was on my way to live/be with him.... with my son. But God had a bigger plan.

Two love birds, that were determined to be together no matter what, I (God) better intervene, and He took him from me.

No matter what was going on with him, that was the ONLY way I wasn't going.

Now I grieve for him...

July 30th 2012 about 6:30, 7 a.m. I woke up, Issac was still sleeping beside me. Yes, I said my 2yr.old was sleeping "beside" me. So I decided to just lay there for a few minutes and soak in the peace. Then I smiled, I smiled inside and out because I was blessed to see another year. Another year living healthy with HIV.

Now I'm smiling because I'm alive and healthy but most importantly I've finally found happiness and peace. Happy in my own skin. I've learned more in the past 3 or 4 months the I have the whole 4years. I'm finally able to look in my mirror and be ok with what I see, inside and out. And believe it or not, I finally learned how to love myself. How to be honest with myself and others. I know my self worth now. I no long walk with my head down.

I've never really thought I was pretty. At times I think I have "good days" (when my eczema isn't taking control over my face or I'm not bloated and look like I've gained 20lbs over night)

Yes, of course my mom tells me this all the time, bless her heart . I've never heard my dad say it. And of course you have the friends & lovers that tell you your pretty/girl you look good. But me looking in MY mirror I've never thought that about myself. I cant say where it started, I guess I've always been like that.

The day I got the news about my package I cried and my heart sank to the bottom of my feet. But I didn't cry for long.

I wasn't eating; I had to have a blood transfusion; an IV full of meds and I was taking about 9 to12 pills 3 times a day. I couldn't bathe myself and I had to have a toilet beside my bed.

I'm not sure if my room was full of people or not, I just remember closing my eyes and praying.