I've never really thought I was pretty. At times I think I have "good days" (when my eczema isn't taking control over my face or I'm not bloated and look like I've gained 20lbs over night)
Yes, of course my mom tells me this all the time, bless her heart . I've never heard my dad say it. And of course you have the friends & lovers that tell you your pretty/girl you look good. But me looking in MY mirror I've never thought that about myself. I cant say where it started, I guess I've always been like that.
And having low self-esteem, I ended up settling, I settled for part-time relationships, I settled for part-time friends. I settled because I didn't think I was worthy of "the best" or even "good". I always made it easy for someone to hurt me or leave me because I thought I wasn't worthy of them being with me. Becoming positive just made it worse. Who's gonna want you now? The stigma attached to HIV, your lucky if you can make a new friend, let along a boyfriend or husband. These were MY thoughts. Being dumped never hurt so bad before HIV.... at least to me anyway.
Now keep in mind that I've been proposed to 3 times, one was a recovering drug addict, that's start using again, one was just a lier and a cheater and one I just don't even wanna talk about. But time tells all, look at the choices I've made. And as you can see... I'm still single. And in reality all I ever wanted was the good, loving God fearing husband and 4 sons.
Now I could sit here and blame my mother and/or father or even the people that hurt me for the choices I made. Or how I came to feel this ways about myself, but I've never done that. You get dealt cards and its up to you how you play them. I didn't play all mine to well ... but I'm still in the game and I'm gonna try my best to come out on top.
So what I decided/had to do because I was tired of being unhappy. I had to STOP, stop everything, stop hiding, stop faking, stop lying to myself and others, stop feeling ashamed, stop blaming myself and others, stop feeling sorry for myself; and work on me from the inside out.
First I got me and my son back in church, for our spiritual food and growth. Then I finally admitted to myself that I AM HIV positive, then to you all. Yes, I had to admit it to myself 1st because, I hid for so long and some times I was in denial about MY own status. I made my home my comfort zone, I was safe and nobody knew my business with the exception of family and a few friends, but it had also became my personal hell hole.
Admitting to myself that I was positive freed me in so many ways. Some people didn't agree with me "outing" myself on Facebook, but for me that was the best thing I could have done. I don't have to be scared, or ashamed anymore. And I am on the path to greatness, within me. God has a plan for me and I had to surrender to His will. I am learning to speak a spiritual word over myself. And how to love, respect and encourage myself. Hug myself, tell ME I am beautiful inside and out. Tell ME not to ever settle, I do deserve the best. I keep positive people around me, people that will also encourage and support me to do well and stay strong in my journey.
And last but not least put and keep God first.
I'm work in progress, I'm no longer looking at where I'm at or been, I'm looking ahead to where I'm going and I like what I see.